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  • Vlad Ivlev

How to make a profit from the newly Balkanized British Isles


The year is [distant yet somehow relevant number], and as the excitement surrounding cabinet and boardroom meetings subside, a prime investment opportunity for influence peddlers such as yourself makes itself present. The United Kingdom (now united and a kingdom only according to CKII rules) tore holes in its constitutional fabric with your bank account’s name on it. Whilst the Chinese province of Greater London will remain forever out of your broker’s reach, the US subsidiary UK government, led by a coalition of Conservatives and Unpronounceable Welsh Name Party offers a beast of an investment ranging from massive tax breaks and, thanks to the new Rare Earth Metals proxy conflict in Turkestan, the benefits stemming from a mobilized war economy. If you’re a weapons or a cybersec merchant you wouldn’t want to miss out on this.

Now, if you prefer a bit of chill on your thermostat, or you perversely enjoy the aesthetic of soviet-era depression, the newly “opened” North Sea trade-routes and the extensive industrialization of newly Green Siberian land offers extensive prospects for the EU-RUS backed Neo-Singaporean State of Scotland, led by Moldbugian overlord Nicola Sturgeon General. As the London Stock Exchange gradually turns into a gladiatorial battle between headless Kung Pao Chickens, the Glaswegian Stock Exchange partnered with the Eurasian Sea-steading Commission will gain enough momentum to rival even the monolithic dominance of the Silicon Valley Stock Exchange. If FinTech is your game, the Scottish State is the name.

Speaking of our Silicon Valley friends, new tax laws give a new definition to the luck of the Irish (haha it’s the future stereotypes are cool again). Following the re-enactment of Pax Americana, rare earth minerals and lithium extraction are all-abundant, and… well, you have to store all these profits somewhere, away from the deplorable, smelly hands of the tax-payer. Irish craft beer and a tax-haven that puts Switzerland and Somalia to shame? Where do I sign up? Disney.org, that’s where.

Ever heard of Cornwall? Me neither. But apparently, the melting of the ice caps gave this renowned pirate culture a wake-up call. Now, you wouldn’t publicly admit to this, but what’s wrong with a flourishing black market? Trade-wars is a lucrative business, especially when you can hire dark-web Cornish Ice Pirates with a few bitcoins. Also, Ice Pirates sound hella cool. Sign up to our newsletter for updates on their next raids.

There are also rumors that a disheveled Jeremy Corbyn is wandering somewhere in the Isle of Sealand, where he has acquired a lordship for the low-low price of 200 pounds (4 US Dollars). PAMU Corp is offering an internship for whoever snapchats Corbyn first. Keep your distance however, unless you want a 2-hour recital of his 2019 Labour Manifesto, acted out by the savage fish people who somehow believe he is the second coming of Dagon.

That’s all from the PAMU Investment Opportunity Newsletter this week. Welcome back to the 80s, we sorely missed them apparently. Remember, I am deeply negligent of UK politics, and I prefer to keep it that way.

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